drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
