just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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