Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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