If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I forget how to act sober
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
