If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
