I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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