I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Can Purell be used as lube?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
