She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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