I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
