You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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