Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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