I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
