where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
