remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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