in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
last night I used snow as a chaser
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
