i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
