Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
