Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
