Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
