it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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