why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
