Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
