i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
