Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize