apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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