you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
