did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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