i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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