I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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