My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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