i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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