I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
