i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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