You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
