i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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