Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
