Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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