Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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