I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
