Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
why do cheetos always look like penises
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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