We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
