my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
