Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
