you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
