Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
