Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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