I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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