Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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