This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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