Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
