Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
