I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
