I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize