If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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