i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
