dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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