I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
