hotel room ftw
I just pynch a tree in the face
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
